So I came home early to finish my finals from home because of health reasons and now I think I might have to request extensions past the 14th. I really don't want to, but if I try to get everything done by then it might kill me... or my doctor might. I'm seeing her Wednesday, so we'll see what happens.

In similar news, my parents may want to infest my body with parasites.

...that sounds really dramatic. Actually they want to infest my body with hookworms, which studies have shown can help with putting UC (and other illnesses) into a remission. It might theoretically be a good option, except 1) I might not be able to without tramping barefoot through feces (um, yea, no thanks) and 2) on a fundamental level I just find it really off-putting.

Alas. I guess we'll see. I'm with my pets now and even though I feel pretty awful physically, something just feels better while I'm around them.

Sleep would probably be good too. I guess I'll do that now.

Sorry for the somewhat depressing post. I want to revamp the blog at some point and hopefully it'll be fun and upbeat and not a constant recap of my health issues...

Another reason I love the Mawr

Today, while waiting for the blue bus at Haverford I was sort of half-eavesdropping on a conversation between an acquaintance of mine and one of her friends. I felt I had relevant information, so I mentioned it. Once we got on the bus, this girl and I started talking and we pretty much talked about anthropology, linguistics, and languages for the whole time the bus was sitting in front of stokes and the entire bus ride.

This just reminded me that as awkward as we generally are as Bryn Mawr women, we can also have great moments like these. It was only as we were parting ways after we got off the bus that this girl and I thought to ask each other’s name. It’s just cool that we can have intellectual conversations with people we barely know and still have some sort of connection.

On a side note, but relevant to my love of BMC, as well as my post about my obsession with BMC, I bought another water bottle… But it’s pretty and it’s my class color and it holds more! See! Useful!

Lauren’s post about childhood got me thinking and now I miss mine. The thing is, I don’t have any particular moments in mind. I’m sure I enjoyed my childhood to the fullest extent and I definitely have plenty of great memories from that time of my life, but when I say that I miss childhood, I guess I’m not 100% sure what I mean. I guess I miss things being simpler, not worrying about the future and constantly fighting some sort of battle with anxiety. I miss play-dates with friends where we actually play. (Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and love hanging out with them, even if we just end up watching a movie or something, but I sometimes I wish it was like when we were kids. Maybe this summer I’ll convince my friends that we need to play. I’m not entirely sure how to do that as a 20-year old, but that’s a dilemma for a different post.) I think sometimes I just miss being a kid. Especially now, where I’m theoretically an adult, but don’t feel ‘grown-up’ at all. I can’t make decisions for myself, I am never completely sure of my decisions, and sometimes I just really need my mommy. On a more practical level, tax and medical forms still provoke a deer-in-headlights type expression from me and nearly always result in a phone call beginning with “mooom?” When I get frustrated looking for something online, I call my mom. You know that summer language program I applied for? My mom found it. Basically, I have a future as a crazy cat lady who calls her mom at least once a day. I think there are probably worse things in life…

My first identifiable anxiety attack (that I can remember) was in 10th grade. We had to do presentations – speeches, really – in class. I spent an inordinate amount of time on it. I wanted to know exactly what I was going to say because I was (and pretty much still am) terrified of public speaking. I worked hard and I was ready for that presentation.

When I woke up on the day of my presentation the first thing that hit me as soon as I was awake was an overwhelming feeling of panic. I tried to push through the panicky feelings and start to get ready for school, but the anxiety so overwhelmed me that I felt physically ill. And then I started crying. Sobbing. I couldn’t stop.

Needless to say, between all these things, I did not go to school that day. I felt ashamed though. Almost like I’d faked sick to get out of something I wasn’t adequately prepared for. Of course, that wasn’t the case at all. I had no control over myself that morning and I was completely prepared for that presentation.

Still, when I miss things now, I always feel this need to prove, in some way, that I really was prepared and that my absence was unrelated to my level of preparation for class. I should probably get over this. In my experience, that is not a college professor’s first thought, whether because they trust their students or because they don’t really care that much. It’s college. We’re old enough and theoretically responsible enough to get our shit done, get to class, etc. and if something doesn’t happen there might be a reason or there might not be, but that isn’t really the point.

Oh My God, that's so profound!

So I have my iTunes on repeat and I’m currently listening to Arlo Guthrie sing “Walking down the line” at Woodstock and in between actually singing he’s just musing on things, like if people actually walk down any lines while singing the song.

It’s completely ridiculous, but he says all this with such confidence that it almost sounds profound.

Of course I realize it probably sounded really profound to all the people listening to him because they were all under the influence. Of what, I don’t necessarily know, but that’s a different issue.

Worst timing ever

My body has the worst timing ever. Why does it choose now, when there's only 1 more week of classes and then 2 weeks of exams to slip backwards? This is almost as bad as last semester.

Almost.

Of course, it's even more inconvenient since my doctor is currently out of town. And then there's the fact that I'm behind with some of my stuff for various classes because this semester as a whole has been a trying one.

So I'm burnt out with schoolwork, but I'm also at a point where my health could be a factor as well. I just need to get stuff done so I can go home and play with my pets and watch horrible tv. It's so close, and yet there is so much standing in the way right now. For some of this stuff I don't even know where to begin.

Sorry for all the bitching. I just feel the need to complain, and what better forum than a blog?

Sometimes I really hate parents. A lot. Not my parents – my parents are great, but some of my friends’ parents. They’re crazy and demanding and impatient. It’s awful and it turns my friends into neurotic, nervous messes.

In high school I had a friend whose parents were ridiculous. They pushed her so hard. Nothing was ever good enough. She wasn’t as good as her sisters. She didn’t do enough after school, she didn’t do well enough on standardized and AP exams, she wasn’t skinny enough. It was awful. I’m not saying my friend wouldn’t have had issues if her parents weren’t so horrible to her, but their treatment of her certainly didn’t make anything better.

Now I feel like it’s high school all over again. I have another friend whose parents seem a little, shall we say, intense? I don’t know this situation as well, so I can’t really comment, but I can see it on her face when she mentions something about her parents. They’re visiting today and between what I’ve overheard and what I can see on her face, it makes me think it’s at least a somewhat similar situation.

My parents expect me to do well. That’s not the issue here. They expect me to do well, but they also help me do well. They’re supportive and understanding. I never thought I had the “cool parents” until I got to college. Looking back I realize that I had it pretty good. I was allowed to dye my hair multiple times (many times my parents actually paid for the dye), I never got grounded (of course I never really did anything to get grounded for, but that might be beside the point), and my mom took me to get my nose pierced because I wasn’t going to be 18 for another 3 months. So yea, my parents are cool. If I fail a class, I’ll still have some ‘splainin to do, but I’m a decently good kid and I think my parents realize that.

I sometimes feel like a failure or a slacker compared to these friends and yet they’re so harsh on themselves because their parents are so hard on them. It depresses me greatly and I just want to yell at these people and make them realize what they’re doing.

I’m not in a whole lot of contact with my friend from high school. The end of junior year and then senior year she sort of withdrew from all of us. I’m not really sure what she did during lunch and the other times during the school day that we all used to spend together, but we didn’t see her. We would still invite her to movie nights or other things, but she always said no. Eventually we just stopped asking. Sometimes I regret that, but I don’t really know what else we could have done.